Crocodile Tears

Well, I hate to have 2 somewhat negative posts back to back, but I made a little deal with some of my friends here this week that I thought we should all be a little more transparent. I am not sure if I have shared on the blog about this in the past year, but I really feel like God is teaching me more about what it means to be part of the body.

Sure, I have read those verses many times and I understood it to mean that we all have an important, yet different role. However, I have come to understand much more than that. For example, when one part of the body is down....the other members have a little bit of slack to pick up. For the broken leg, the arms should work a little harder--for the good of the body. So, my point is that if we are broken--I think we should be more transparent about it. We shouldn't just put on a little band-aid when we really need a full cast. Do you understand what I mean? And if we really need crutches, let's get them. Let's not just limp around and pretend that the pain is not all that bad.

Well, I would NOT say that these feet of mine are completely broken, but these past few weeks they have been bruised a little--ok, I will be transparent.....they are black and blue. :) They are functional but not at their prime.

I have realized that overtime I have become more and more frustrated with the differences of culture. At first the differences are quiet cute. Then they become a little bothersome but easy to ignore. However, then this over-righteous attitude sets in and thinks, "Why do they do it the WRONG way and I do it the RIGHT way? Why can't they figure it out?"

Well, I know that is not the right way of thinking. I know that in many cases there is no right or wrong, and the differences are just ones out of custom. But it is hard to repress those thoughts that selfishly come to mind when someone is studying the contents in my shopping cart or yelling at me from across the street. They do this out of intrigue, curiosity, and shock.

So this past week, it has just really gotten to be more than I could handle. As much as I wish a vacation would do the trick, I know that my problem is much deeper than that. I clearly have a bad attitude that needs readjusting. So, I am challenging myself to come up with new ways to respond when these things happen. However, this is still a work in progress, and I am not exactly sure how I will handle it.

But I only decided on a plan of action after the crocodile tears this morning. I was studying Chinese as I do every weekday morning, and my teacher had just finished going over all the new vocabulary and reading today's story. Then it was my turn to read it back to her. The problem is that many times when I learn a word for the first time, it is hard for me to remember for a couple days. SO, today's lesson was absolutely dreadful (as my New Zealand friend would say)! In the first paragraph alone, there were at least 10 new words. So 10 new words in a short paragraph. That means that every other word I am stumbling over what comes next.

The teacher read the story to me once. Then she read it sentence by sentence and I repeated her. Then, it was my turn to do it all alone. I stumbled continually but finished. And I thought, "Absoultely DREADFUL!" So, I told her that. And I said, I want to try again (which I don't often do--cause I just want to be finished!!!) However, today I didn't want to end on such a bad note. I started to read the story again for the second time by myself and I remembered ONE of the new words. Mid-way through my voice started to crack...and I felt the rush of tears coming to the surface. My teacher tried to brush it off and give me a chuckle to keep going, but I knew that the little chuckle was not going to be effective today. I finished the story and then it all gushed out! For the first time EVER, I completely lost it in front of my teacher. I am not quite sure she knew what to do with me, but she very patiently listened.

The truth is that while I see the absolute necessity for learning the language, I have become very frustrated with my lack of improvement. It is so hard to see much fruit of studying at this point. I often think that it is just worthless--hopeless. My days are pretty busy and when I think of studying--I quickly try to think of something else that I should be doing. I figure I would rather be bad at language because I don't study than because I am studying hard and still can't improve.

Where did all of this come from? It comes from a fear I have of being compared to other people--especially Joel. Joel and I have been studying the same amount of time and I would love to say that we are at the same place, but the truth is that are gifts are very different. While I am the creative and nurturing one of the family, Joel is the brain and the provider. He naturally does better at languages and other studious things, and he enjoys doing them more than me too. So, I have this fear that when I speak, people are comparing the 2 of us.

Most of the time, people do not outright compare us, but they say to me, "Your husband's Chinese is very good." And I usually think to myself something negative like, "That must mean that mine is not so good." So, I try to repress thoughts like that, because I know that they are negative. However, the fear that I will be compared still liess under the surface of most conversations I have.

Last weekend, a very sweet friend came to my house and it was the third week that I had met with her. Joel entered the room and began to share some things, and within just a few moments she said, "Wow! Your Chinese is so standard. When I hear her (me) speak, I don't understand what she is saying." My heart sunk.

Joel did a good job of trying to take the focus off of me negatively and put it on me positively and how I am a good listener. He explained that he loves to talk and is good at that, and I love to listen and am very good at that. For the time, I was able to regain focus about what we were talking about and not give it too much thought. But in the hours and days that followed that conversation, my heart felt the pain that comes along with a fresh bruise.

So, because of that I have been very sensitive the last couple of days. So if you happen to think of me randomly, I imagine it is because God is bringing me to your mind. Please pray that He will:
1. Restore my desire to learn this language.
2. Give me opportunities to practice without being compared to others.
3. Give me a better attitude when differences arise.
4. Help me to seek peace and strength from the only One who can provide it